Today is tough, and I don’t entirely know why. Perhaps the new experiment adrenaline is gone and now I’m just stuck doing this thing with only my will power to propel me forward. It’s like after a honeymoon, once all of the excitement, lust, infatuation and experimentation is gone you are left with companionship and love and you hope it’s enough. This morning I woke up and looked in the mirror and thought why the hell and I doing this to myself? Am I doing more harm than good? If I just put some make-up on would anyone even notice? This is painful, and I wanted to stop, but I didn’t.
Something that has kept my spirits up just enough to ensure that I didn’t/don’t break down and relapse is thinking about how sometimes in order to heal you must endure more pain. There is a certain pain that comes with wearing make-up every day. (Apart from the damage to my skin, cost and time) But it is the fact that I literally can’t go without it. That I can’t be happy with my face without it, and that is unhealthy and sad. It is as though I only feel good about myself when I wear it, meaning that I gain self-worth from it which is not sustainable or a good in any meaning of the term. So in order to get rid of this pain, that is inflicted by the addiction to make-up, I have to go through this process, which in itself is painful. The pain of wearing make-up might not be as obvious as the pain that I am experiencing right now but the difference is that this pain will go away. The pain from wearing make-up will not if I continue to wear it. I’m suffering short term intense pain for a long term relief from pain. If pain is the right word?
In other words, when someone breaks a bone sometimes you have to re-break it before putting it in a cast. Before a caterpillar becomes a butterfly it must struggle and fight its way out of the cocoon. Before having beautiful teeth sometimes you have to wear braces (me, ugh). You get the picture. If I want to be comfortable with myself this is something that I have to do.
I will say that I went in the bathroom at my work and cried though. Not hysterically, or anything dramatic. Just a few tears. I wasn’t originally going in there to cry but once I saw my face I cried. The honeymoon is over. The adrenaline is gone. Now I have to grit my teeth and tough it out. Wish me luck. I went and bought myself some English breakfast tea to make myself feel better.
Something I think I’m going to try is an under eye cream. Maybe this will make me feel more confident about my face. Maybe it won’t. Who knows.
I will say that some people have noticed that I have freckles now though and that my eyes pop. They can actually tell that they are green.
Until next time!